Writings of me

Retreat but still love me. scaring me you're so lovely. please don't decode, please just know. let yourself go.......see where it leads. How do we define. God knows there isn’t time….could we make it, would we be faking it? Guessing does no good. What does real mean to you? What would it mean to try this out? I don’t see you, I need to see you so I can fully come to love you, appreciate you, laugh with you, smile at you….learn you.

I avoided it all, and I can keep going that way. If things don’t stick, then I’ll throw it all away.

Start anew. Be you. Look around, appreciate and love where you are. And wish that you had someone to share it with.

So you came along….we were singin’ songs…you filled my heart with joy…smiling and gazing into the space between us

I felt the pull then I felt the push…backing away slowly I wonder why I rushed

You’ve got some choices…makin’ me think about my own, I think you’re going through more pain then what you’ve shown.

Where did it go…the comfort the ease, where did you go? You seemed so easy to please.

Empty love, empty lovin again

Wish I would know, when this will end

Seemed like a good idea at the time

Until I wake up and realize you’re not mine

Temporary freedom

Lips feelin so soft, my whiskey rouge amuses you

And you take me with a (every little) grain of salt

That’s why I gotta stay

Away, from that empty love

That feeling of warm skin

The feeling that I’m in, in your heart

But it’s just empty love

So we wake in the morn

Comfortable no more

We say goodbye, then I let out a sigh

Why do I play this game, it all turns out the same

Feeling like it was just okay….

And I probably shoulda walked away

Two lonely hearts, never makes a great start

That’s why I gotta stay away,

From that empty love

Nothing… empty smiles, empty laughs, empty brain- so quick to fade….

Where did I go? Here but not me, surrounded but alone, tired and just going through the motions. I want to Stop life, and just exist. Relish in where I’ve gotten too, but look forward to the future. Seeming to be avoiding the present. Alone, in my own brain, swimming lethargically through this blank, blank pain. So blah, So nothing, how did I get here once again? I’m ready to be done, I’m ready to come back. Be surrounded by ones I love, learn a story, experience a new ecstatic emotion. To be alive. To take care of myself, be better, be my best self. How selfish of me to not care, not work hard, not show my smile to my loved ones. I cannot keep living like this…it needs to stop. I need to function. I need to get back to my normal, But I just temporarily don’t know how

US Social Forum Fun

I have been sent a gift.....from Portland, Maine. It's name is Dan. He is fun sized and likes to do just about everything I like to do as well as things I aspire to do. Like SAILING......I still haven't asked him if he's seen What about Bob. If he hasn't, I may reconsider our friendship, or maybe just re-adjust it. I met him on our Woodbridge soccer team, and it's so nice to have someone to do activities with! I told him I didn't have any friends and he should keep me company, which he called me out on pretty fast on not believing. It's been benficial to have someone around that wants to do fun detroit things while they're here as I want to squeeze as much out of the city before I (possibly) leave. It has been a pretty interesting week now that I'm done with school. Trying to remember to move out and pack up while this social forum is going on is slightly daunting, and easy to forget. The opening night was Tuesday and we went over to the Trumbullplex where there was a marching band from New York (http://rudemechanicalorchestra.org/) that KILLED it. So much fun, the dancers they had might have been the best part.

I was also sent some gifts from Philadelphia, which makes me want to move/work there even more. Ge (pronounced Ga) was my little China man fighting for a better world through health care reform. Such a kind soul, he brought me a program for the US Social Forum the first night he came back from working it. Then the next night he had purchased me a wristband to attend the sessions on Friday. It was the 11,755th wristband purchased.....such a beautiful number of people actually in Detroit. Probably only about a third of that maybe are actually discovering Detroit, but we'll take what we can get. He has such faith in me though, and I'd known him for about 3 conversations....it was nice to have someone believe in what you do though (counseling in my case). Brings validation and gratification that you are doing something you love and is important.

My other gifts are on their way to Philly. A mother and daughter, Danielle and Autumn, who are moving from rural indiana to Philly for school. Performing arts high school for Autumn and a teaching degree for Danielle from Temple. Friday morning I was about to head out to my first forum session on educating African people and saw them in my backyard (I had about 7 tents of people camping in my backyard for the forum). They had explained that they were having a hard time finding sessions appropriate for both of them to benefit from so I suggested we all go to this other workshop I was considering, a Buddhist inspired session about self care and awareness. It was a wonderful relaxing morning and helped remind me of what the important supports I have in my life and that I need to be thankful for. Also made me just want to run home and start putting out more job apps, live in the present I reminded myself in the workshop. Don't look too far forward without dealing with today.

The next session I went to in the forum was sexual and reproductive peer education for Muslim girls. Very cool program they have started out in New York to try and give these girls some kind of knowledge and resources. I met Cella there, a girl I had met at a pool party thrown by the Greening of Detroit kids. She goes to Warren Wilson College for school, a college that is service oriented. Everyone works to sustain and run the college from day 1 to the last. Such a different college experience than MSU, I wish I had the maturity to take advantage of resources and give back to my community more-besides supporting the bums in way of can donations.

The last session I went to was about the Working Families Party that Dan's friend Ted is making huge headway on getting it started in states around the country, the latest Oregon. Knowing so little about politics and being from a working family, I thought this would be pretty interesting-as it was. If I try to explain it, I'll for sure muck it up so I'll just leave it at that and let you do your own research. It's definitely something to believe in/check out though, holds a lot of power in the issues that strike all people from rural to city folk. As I was trying to find that room in Wayne State that he was presenting in, I ran into an OLD anarchist hippie guy who was also lost and asked to see/grabbed quickly ahold of my program. He was a character, looked like a way more intense version of a hippie named Robert me and Rosa met in Arizona at a music festival. Anyways, he left me with this mantra he kept repeating, "Cast a big net, find a common thread, let life flourish! Don't panic, keep it organic!" Interpret it as you may, the forum is ending today, all of the tents will be gone from my backyard, Hart Plaza and Cobo will clear out, but the music will keep playing. Detroit will keep trying, and I'll keep loving life here and meeting great new people until I find out my next step.

hi.